Working Mindfully with "Shoulds": Recognizing Your Inner Critic

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Embracing the Shoulds

I think it was one of my professors in graduate school that said “stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.” Hearing this was revolutionary for me, because at that time I hadn’t realized how much and how often I was “shoulding” on myself. It was a lot. Like, pretty much all the time. And often when I’d tell myself I should be doing XYZ, I didn’t end up actually doing the thing I was telling myself that I should do, I just felt guilty or ashamed for not being the way that I thought I should be.

But just like all parts of us, the part of us that “shoulds”—often it’s our inner critic—is welcome. Attempting to get rid of or shut down parts of ourselves doesn’t work—it’s simply not possible to amputate parts of our psyche like a limb. Which is a good thing, because wholeness is what we’re after, not sanitized, simplistic, ‘perfection.’ We’re messy in our wholeness and learning to embrace it all is the practice.

Your Inner Critic has Good Intentions

Change cannot be forced. You can try to force or shame yourself into doing a certain thing, or being a certain way, but in my experience, it isn’t very effective. The part of you that tries to guilt you into doing something always has good intentions. Most often it’s trying to keep you in line. It’s trying to manage your life and make sure you keep on track, stay out of trouble, are socially acceptable, aren’t rejected, etc. 

Your "shoulds" are trying to protect you. And your inner critic is afraid that if you stop being so hard on yourself you might just sit around and eat bon-bons all day. Your inner critic doesn’t trust that you can be a responsible adult without someone constantly chiding you. But the question becomes, are the "shoulds" really effective motivators? As I’ve already said, in my experience and in the experience of many people I’ve worked with, the answer is no.

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Turning Toward the Inner Critic

So, what can you do instead? For starters, begin intentionally creating some distance between yourself and your inner critic. This sounds simple, but it actually takes some practice to even become aware enough of your inner experience to hear the "shoulds" when they’re happening.

The following is a mindfulness practice for acquainting yourself with your “shoulds”:

• Step 1) Practice noticing when you are "should-ing" on yourself.
  

Again, this sounds simple, but it’s not. Most of us are so used to the "shoulds" that we aren’t even aware they're there.

• Step 2) When you notice them, label the "shoulds" as “shoulds."
  

This can be verbally out-loud, or just noting it internally in your head. The important part is that you begin to acknowledge that something is happening inside of you and to label it. This helps create distance between yourself and the part of you that is "should-ing." It helps you create enough space to gain some perspective. When you're fully identified with your thoughts it’s impossible to question the validity of them or gain any knowledge from them. You also tend to believe your thoughts are true when you’re merged with them. But not all thoughts are true and creating some space from them allows you the power of discernment.

• Step 3) Get curious about what the "shoulds" are saying. 
  

What is your inner critic saying you should do? How is it saying you should be? Do you know where this "should" came from? Write them down. Writing down your thoughts is creating another degree of separation. When you see them “out there” it’s much easier to begin acknowledging the fact that you are not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not you.

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• Step 4) Start to work your way through your top 5 "shoulds." These are the "shoulds" you hear in your head most often.
  

There is a wealth of useful information in your "shoulds." They can reveal messages you’ve swallowed whole about how you should be–-are these messages true? Are they in your best interest? Are they relevant to your current circumstance?

Your "shoulds" can give you insight into your value system–-why is XYZ so important to me? Is it really that important to me, or was it actually important to someone else and I just internalized that message? 

"Shoulds" can also give you information about areas in life where you’re genuinely out of alignment with yourself. If you’re constantly thinking things like, “I should really leave this relationship”... “I really shouldn’t let him talk to me like that”... “I should start sticking up for myself”... your "shoulds" could alert you to the fact that your outer life and choices are not currently in alignment with your wants/needs/values. In this way, "shoulds" and nagging feelings of guilt/anxiety can serve as an internal alarm system that something isn’t right. That you need to get clear on what exactly is out of alignment and what, if anything, you want to do about it.

Approaching your internal experience with an attitude of open-minded curiosity is the key to discerning what your "shoulds" mean in the context of your own unique life circumstances. Allowing compassionate space for your inner critic, getting curious about what it's saying--instead of trying to get it to shut up--deepens your self-awareness and calms your nervous system. And eventually, this kind of radical acceptance often leads to the inner critic quieting down and loosening it grip!

Looking for an online therapist in Kansas?

Ready to turn your attention inward and understand yourself more deeply? My Lawrence, Kansas counseling practice specializes in providing therapy for codependency, therapy for anxiety, therapy for self-esteem, therapy for Highly Sensitive People, and grief and bereavement counseling. I help people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people pleasing and self-abandonment is possible, and I'm here to help.

I offer online counseling throughout Kansas. Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation.  I'd love to hear from you!

Other Services Offered by Maggie

In addition to providing online therapy anywhere in Kansas, I’m also a professional astrologer, and offer Birth Chart Readings anywhere in the United States, as well as abroad. 

Astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!

Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!