Photo by Dalton Smith on Unsplash
Narcissism, the Newest Buzzword
"Narcissist” and “narcissistic abuse” have become buzzwords. I see them everywhere. This has happened with other mental health concepts too, like self-care, boundaries, and mindfulness.
The oversimplification of complex mental health topics is one of the downsides of Instagram—or Tiktok, or whatever platform—”therapy,” as it’s often called. This oversimplification leads to misuse/overuse of these terms. Misuse and overuse then leads to them no longer holding the weight they once did. And then once these terms become relegated to buzzwords, we all start to naturally react to their overuse by then rejecting the concepts themselves.
We need to resist this impulse to reject something just because social media has gotten ahold of it. These concepts are important and we can’t allow popular usage and misuse to rob them of their true weight.
Understanding boundaries is essential to having healthy relationships. They’re powerful.
Self-care, self-compassion, and self-love is at the root of all emotional healing we do in this lifetime. It’s powerful work. It’s not flippant. It’s not something to roll our eyes at.
We need to resist this impulse to reject something just because social media has gotten ahold of it. These concepts are important and we can’t allow popular usage and misuse to rob them of their true weight.
Understanding boundaries is essential to having healthy relationships. They’re powerful.
Self-care, self-compassion, and self-love is at the root of all emotional healing we do in this lifetime. It’s powerful work. It’s not flippant. It’s not something to roll our eyes at.
Mindfulness—same thing, it’s been cheapened and commodified. The ancient practice of turning our attention inward and intentionally cultivating an attitude of radical acceptance toward our experience literally rewires the brain and nervous system. Powerful, powerful shit.
Ok, on to why I’m writing this blog in the first place: narcissistic abuse.
Ok, on to why I’m writing this blog in the first place: narcissistic abuse.
Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse, and the Impacts of Narcissistic Abuse Are Very Real
I see the same thing happening with the concept of narcissism. It’s been overused and misused and thrown about mindlessly, and now when we hear or see the word narcissist our natural inclination is to think sarcastically, “Everyone’s a narcissist nowadays.”
But no. Not everyone is a narcissist. Just like having difficulty regulating your emotions doesn’t mean you’re “borderline,” and being focused on cleanliness and having quirks doesn’t mean you’re “OCD.”
LOTS of people are self-absorbed. I mean, of course they are! We’re living in a globalized culture that encourages it (social media being the number one culprit). But while not everyone has a personality disorder or exhibits disordered and abusive traits, some people actually do.
And more than you might think! In the US alone, 15%-19% of the population—between 49 million and 62 million people—show evidence of a personality disorder (Fjelstad & McBride, 2020).
Why Do I Care About the Word Narcissism Losing its True Weight?
Narcissism seems out of place when discussed alongside boundaries, self-care, and mindfulness, I know. But I care because I want those who've been negatively impacted by narcissism and narcissistic abuse to be able to use these terms to label their experience, and I want them to be believed. I don’t want them to be dismissed as having simply jumped on the most recent psychobabble bandwagon.
 Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash | Being in a relationship with a personality disordered individual—whether the person’s symptoms be clinical/diagnosed or subclinical/undiagnosed—is often incredibly isolating.** Being introduced to the terminology “narcissism,” “narcissistic abuse,” and information about personality disorders in general, can life changing for those who have experienced it. |
High Conflict Personalities—Beyond Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I like using the catch all category “High Conflict Personality” (HCP) when discussing people who meet the criteria for a personality disorder but who don’t have a formal diagnosis. That way we aren’t flippantly assigning clinical diagnoses to people.
While Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a popular topic right now, there are actually ten personality disorders listed in the DSM. The term “high conflict personality'' typically encompasses the behavior associated with Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Paranoid Personality Disorder. These are the personality disorders that are most commonly associated with the abusive dynamics colloquially referred to as “narcissistic abuse.”
Personality Disorders Often Go Undiagnosed
| There’s a reason why personality disorders are a category all their own in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the primary diagnostic tool used in the US). Personality disorders are based on long term, far-reaching patterns in behavior that encompass the entire personality. For this reason, it can be difficult for therapists to diagnose someone with a personality disorder when seeing them for no more than one hour a week in therapy. On top of that, in individual therapy, therapists rely solely on the self-reports of the personality disordered person which are often quite skewed—and that’s in the rare instance that they end up in therapy at all! It’s rare for people with personality disorders to seek out treatment on their own. |  Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash |
What’s my point?
Most people who meet the criteria for a personality disorder will never get a proper diagnosis, so no need to wait around for official confirmation of your suspicions. It’s ok to speculate, hypothesize, and make informed decisions from there regarding how to protect yourself.
It’s often actually the people who are closest to personality disordered individuals who are the best equipped to decide if they exhibit disordered traits. This is because it’s often only in the context of intimate, ongoing relationships that these abusive dynamics take place. So, I would encourage you to trust yourself and your perception. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s probably a duck… or however that saying goes.
Most people who meet the criteria for a personality disorder will never get a proper diagnosis, so no need to wait around for official confirmation of your suspicions. It’s ok to speculate, hypothesize, and make informed decisions from there regarding how to protect yourself.
It’s often actually the people who are closest to personality disordered individuals who are the best equipped to decide if they exhibit disordered traits. This is because it’s often only in the context of intimate, ongoing relationships that these abusive dynamics take place. So, I would encourage you to trust yourself and your perception. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s probably a duck… or however that saying goes.
If You've Experienced Narcissistic Abuse
The specific flavor of abuse that is perpetrated by High Conflict Personalities is something that many people—therapists included—often don't understand unless they’ve experienced it firsthand and/or have gone out of their way to specialize in this area. So, if you're seeking therapy to recover from what you suspect to be some form of narcissistic abuse—whether that be from a partner or a parent—make sure you look for a therapist who specializes in this kind of work.
Because narcissism/narcissistic abuse have become buzzwords, some mental health professionals might write you off. Don’t allow this to happen. If you believe your partner or parent may have had a personality disorder, don't allow yourself to be invalidated or shamed for trying to understand and put words to your experience. Keep looking until you find someone who understands what you’ve been through—you deserve that.
**Not all people who have personality disorders or display traits associated with personality disorders engage in abusive behaviors, but it's common simply because people with personality disorders have mild to severe issues related to how they understand personal interactions and emotionally respond to others.
Looking for a Therapist or Coach to Help You Recover from Narcissistic Abuse?
Do you suspect (or know) that you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse? My Lawrence, Kansas counseling practice specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, along with providing therapy for childhood trauma, therapy for anxiety, therapy for self-esteem, therapy for Highly Sensitive People.
I offer online counseling throughout Kansas, and Holistic Life Coaching for those in other states. Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation. I'd love to hear from you!
Other Services Offered by Maggie
In addition to providing online therapy anywhere in Kansas, I’m also a professional astrologer, and offer Birth Chart Readings anywhere in the United States, as well as abroad.
Astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!
Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!
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