The 3 Qualities of Healthy boundaries

Photo by Jason Yoder on Unsplash

​Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

​There’s lots of talk floating around these days about “healthy” vs “unhealthy” boundaries. Which actually thrills me. I’m a boundary enthusiast and I love that people are talking about boundaries, even if not all the information out there is fully informed. Any kind of processing and questioning happening around the importance of boundaries is a good thing in my book.

As with most things, with boundaries there is a ton of complexity and grey areas when it comes to what is considered “healthy” or “unhealthy.” For instance, the boundaries that might be really healthy and ideal for me, might actually be quite unhealthy and problematic for you. Why? Because we’re different people, with different lives, different histories, different needs and preferences, etc.

So, deciding on exactly what boundaries to have and how those boundaries will look is completely up to the individual, however, most healthy boundaries share three things in common.

1. They are clear.
2. They are expressed.
3. They are enforced.

Let’s talk about these three things in a little more depth.

Healthy Boundaries are Clear

Number one, clarity. It is absolutely crucial to get clear on what your boundaries actually are. Oftentimes, getting ourselves into an uncomfortable situation is what leads us to realize that we need to get clearer on our boundaries and strategize about how to express and enforce them successfully. Which is wonderful! Taking the time to process our boundary system and get clear on what’s working and what needs to change is a very healthy response to a bad experience.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

You can also be proactive and work to get more clear on your boundaries before the uncomfortable scenarios occur. Journaling is great for this, and I’ll talk about that more toward the end. 
 
So, let’s look at an example of a clear time/emotional labor boundary you might decide you need to set with a friend who is constantly venting about relationship drama. 

Here is the clear boundary you come up with: "I need to limit our conversations on that topic to 15 minutes, otherwise I know I start to feel resentful and drained.” 

Ok, so you’re now clear within yourself about what your limits are and how much you’re willing or able to give.

I’m going to pause a minute here because the within yourself part in the sentence above is really, really important. Lots of times people tend to focus on how to get other people to respect their boundaries, which is an important topic that I will cover in a future blog post. But what is even MORE important is making sure that you are crystal clear about your own wants, needs, and limits within yourself. The clearer you are, the easier it will be to express and enforce your boundaries with confidence. 

Moving on. Number two…

Healthy Boundaries are Expressed

Healthy boundaries, after we get clear on them within ourselves, need to then be clearly expressed to relevant parties (sometimes the boundaries we are setting are with ourselves instead of other people, in that case, the “expression” piece would look a little different).

An example of clear expression: You’re on the phone with your friend, she launches into relationship stuff and you stop her and say, “Hey, we can talk about your girlfriend for 15 minutes, but that’s all the emotional bandwidth I have for that today.”

You got clear on your boundary (your needs and limits), you expressed your boundary firmly, clearly, compassionately, but unapologetically, and now it’s time for number three… enforcement.

Healthy Boundaries are Enforced

Example of enforcement: You’ve been discussing the issues she's having with her girlfriend for 15 minutes and you say, “That sounds really difficult, and I’m so sorry that you two have been struggling so much. It’s been about 15 minutes, so I’m going to switch gears now…”

Maybe she respects the boundary, maybe she doesn’t. If she doesn’t, and continues talking about her relationship, then you'll need to enforce it again. How you do that can look many different ways. Maybe you decide to verbally repeat your limit again and if she still doesn't respect the boundary, you decide to end the conversation. But again, this could look many different ways.

Journal Exercises for Getting Clear on Your Boundaries

As mentioned above, journaling can be a great way to get clear on our boundaries. There are a number of ways to do this, here are two of my favorites. ​

First exercise: Write down a few different types of boundaries, then journal about one of your most important boundaries in each category. Really flesh it out… What is your boundary? Why do you have that boundary? How do you know you need to have that boundary? How do you feel when you don’t express and enforce that boundary? What are the consequences? What would it take for you to enforce the boundary with regularity? What are things that might stand in your way, or have stood in your way in the past? etc.

Photo by Calvin Ma on Unsplash

The second exercise is to think of something that happened recently, or even a long time ago, where you failed to set a healthy boundary for yourself. What happened? How did you feel it in your body? Emotionally? Mentally? Spiritually? What clued you in that a boundary was crossed? What boundary was it? Can you get really clear on what the boundary is and how it needs to be expressed and enforced? What might stand in your way of enforcing it? Do you need support to enforce this boundary? How can you support yourself? How can others help you? etc.
​

**NOTE: I’ve lived my entire life in the U.S.--a highly individualistic culture. When I write about boundaries, I’m approaching the topic through this lens. The things I share here may or may not be useful to those who come from communal cultures, and the things I label as “healthy” or “unhealthy” may or may not translate to folks who come from communal cultures. Please take what feels helpful for you, and discard what doesn’t.**

Looking for an Online Therapist in Kansas?

Does working with your boundaries and getting better at setting them interest you? My Lawrence, Kansas counseling practice specializes in providing therapy for codependency, therapy for anxiety, therapy for self-esteem, therapy for Highly Sensitive People, and grief and bereavement counseling. I help people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people pleasing and self-abandonment is possible, and I'm here to help.

I offer online counseling throughout Kansas. Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation.  I'd love to hear from you!

Other Services Offered by Maggie

In addition to providing online therapy anywhere in Kansas, I’m also a professional astrologer, and offer Birth Chart Readings anywhere in the United States, as well as abroad. 

Astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!

Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!