Photo by Yannic Läderach on Unsplash
As adults we need to understand our childhoods. We need to understand the ways in which our parents got it right and the ways they messed up. This allows us to understand the wounds that we now carry. It helps us understand how to show up for ourselves and how to avoid abandoning ourselves in the same ways that we were abandoned as children.
This is the basis of all emotional healing in adulthood. You can take all the yoga classes, read all the self help books, and have the perfect meditation practice, but if you fail to stop abandoning your inner child, you will never step fully and authentically into your own power.
The Fear is Real
Most of my clients find it difficult to speak honestly about the painful aspects of their childhood if it negatively reflects upon their parents.
They often share that:
- It feels like a betrayal. (It’s not.)
- They fear that if they complain about their parents it negates the positive things their parents did for them. (It doesn’t.)
- They fear it means that they are ungrateful. (It doesn’t. We can be grateful for some things and critical of others at the same time.)
- They worry about how their parents would feel, if they could hear what they are saying. (Your parents can handle feeling sad or angry; it’s OK for people to feel challenging emotions. Also, your parents aren’t hearing this; therapy is confidential for a reason. It is OK to have negative thoughts and feelings about people we love.)
- They feel guilty and ashamed, like they are doing something wrong. (You aren’t doing anything wrong; being honest with yourself is always healthy.)
- They worry that I will view their parent’s negatively. (I don’t. Your parents are people just like everyone else with their own wounds; I have compassion for them, just like I do for you.)
- They worry that they are being unfair, or blowing things out of proportion. (This kind of self-doubt is normal when we are doing the difficult work of looking at our childhood.)
- They question the accuracy of their own memories of how things went. (The accuracy of the memories is actually not as important as allowing yourself to feel the feelings associated with the memories. It’s OK if they aren’t accurate, it’s not about the details.)
These feelings and fears are especially difficult for my clients who were parentified, or were raised in enmeshed families, and still feel responsible for managing their parent’s feelings and protecting them. It’s also particularly difficult for my clients who are still financially dependent upon their parents and feel guilty about receiving financial support while simultaneously expressing disapproval of certain aspects of their relationship.
It’s Normal, It’s Natural
But it’s difficult for people who aren’t in these situations as well. In fact, it’s hard for all of us to Iook at the ways in which the people we love have hurt us. With our parents it is particularly difficult because: 1.) The love between parent and child runs deep (Even if we hate our parents, I would argue that the reason we hate them so much is actually still rooted in love. Indifference is the opposite of love; hate is just a different side of the same coin), and 2.) Because of the power dynamics that are inherent between parents and children.
I want to look a little closer at number two.
Power Dynamics
| In childhood, we are reliant upon our parents for survival on every level. We need them for food, shelter, and love. As children it is much too threatening to see the ways in which our parents are underdeveloped—the ways in which they are immature… or abusive… or manipulative… or ignorant… or simply wrong. As children we need to believe that our parents are all knowing and competent in all ways. Of course, this isn’t a realistic expectation, but this projection is necessary and developmentally appropriate in childhood because it helps us feel safe. If we were to see clearly as children that our parents are actually just people who are often scared and clueless with their own unresolved issues just like everyone else, we wouldn’t feel safe enough to accomplish the developmental tasks necessary for childhood. |  Photo by Caleb George on Unsplash |
Living in a Fantasy World
While this kind of thinking is developmentally appropriate and necessary in childhood, if we continue to carry forth this belief into adulthood that our parents are infallible, and if we remain too fearful to examine the truth of the parenting we received, this becomes a serious problem.
When we keep the fantasy of childhood going it is usually because we are too scared to open Pandora’s Box. We are afraid of what we might find, how painful it might be, and we are scared to express criticism of our parents—all fears that were valid as a child, when we didn’t have the capacity to cope. As adults, we are capable of learning to regulate our emotions, and in order to continue developing in a healthy manner into adulthood, it is crucial to be real with ourselves about the ways we were hurt in childhood.
When we choose to bury our head in the sand, instead of looking at our parents through a realistic, unfiltered lens, we risk doing two things.
- Never individuating (never becoming who we are meant to be).
- Continuing to abandon ourselves emotionally in the exact same ways we were abandoned in childhood.
Becoming Who We Are Meant to Be
 Photo by Chandra Oh on Unsplash | There is an important process that we all need to go through as we enter adulthood called differentiation or individuation, where we become who we are separate from our family of origin. We learn how we are different (differentiation); we develop our individuality (individuation). This process of self-discovery and self-development is fundamental to healthy adult functioning. However, differentiating from our family of origin isn’t something that happens automatically. In fact, if we are just going with the flow, it's much easier to never really individuate. In order to discover and become the unique person that we are meant to be we have to be willing to understand and embrace how we are different from our parents/caregivers, from the people who raised us. |
Facing Resistance
Seems straightforward enough, right? Well, in theory, it is, but when we begin to do things our own way, when we begin to challenge the expectations and implicit rules in our family system, it tends to make people uncomfortable (at least, at first).
For instance, my clients who are in therapy in order to process their childhood trauma often face backlash from family members as they begin to see their trauma more clearly, heal themselves, and begin to set healthy boundaries with their parents. Being a cycle breaker—someone who is doing the work to address intergenerational trauma—can be a lonely experience, as we are often targeted by those in the family who feel threatened by the changes we are making.
The level of discomfort and the degree to which parents (and other family members) are capable of accepting and adjusting to their adult children's need for autonomy is dependent upon the extent to which they themselves have individuated and differentiated from their own families of origin. If your parents have never looked critically at their relationship with their own parents, they will likely feel deeply threatened by your desire for autonomy and authenticity.
Individuation begins when we develop the courage to investigate our childhood and allow ourselves to grieve the hurts and injustices we experienced. Individuation requires courage because it shakes up the status quo and we may face relational consequences for that. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
Self Abandonment
When we choose to avoid the inner call to heal ourselves and are too scared to look honestly at the ways we were abused, or simply let down, in childhood, we continue to abandon ourselves in the same ways we were abandoned then. Let’s look at how this works.
When we are kids we don’t have the capacity to protect ourselves, especially when it comes to our parents. As discussed above, in order to survive in childhood we blame ourselves for our parents’ mistakes (their own unhealed trauma), “there must be something wrong with me, otherwise mom wouldn’t get so mad at me.”
If we do not bring this trauma narrative (“there is something wrong with me”) into our conscious awareness and begin to challenge its validity in adulthood, we take up the torch and continue to mistreat ourselves in the exact same ways we were mistreated then. We collude with our internalized parent, which goes on unquestioned and unchallenged as our own inner critic. When this happens we risk passing this critical inner voice on to our own children, continuing the intergenerational cycle.
It's a Boundary Issue
When we have a difficult time speaking the truth about our parents, it means we have some work to do on our boundaries. Emotional enmeshment is a common and damaging dynamic in families. Enmeshment means there is a lack of healthy emotional and psychological boundaries. In enmeshed families direct, assertive, clear communication is discouraged and is often seen as conflictual, rude, or mean.
When we come from an enmeshed family we feel responsible for things that are not our responsibility, like other people’s feelings. When we come from an enmeshed family we fear negative emotions and believe that when people have hurt feelings it is a bad thing, instead of simply an unavoidable part of life. When we believe these things it makes it difficult to individuate from our families. We feel responsible for our parents' emotions, we are scared to upset them, and we feel uncomfortable stating our feelings and needs directly.
Our relationships can only be as healthy as our boundaries are. The better our boundaries, the closer we can be to the people we love. For more on boundaries check out my blog: Boundaries, What Are They?
It's Not About Blame, It's About Healing
Understanding the ways in which the parenting we received impacted us is not about blame. It’s not about villainizing or making anyone wrong. It’s about embracing the truth and complexity of our experience with honesty in order to disrupt cycles of hurt and pain.
One of the best things about healing our childhood trauma is that through the process we mature. We move from black and white, “us” versus “them” thinking to an ability to hold multiple truths simultaneously and with compassion. It is from this matured place that we stop the cycles of intergenerational trauma and access our own truth, genius, and authenticity. It is from this place that we are finally free to be ourselves.
Meet the Author
 | Ready to heal your childhood trauma? Maggie is a therapist based out of Lawrence, Kansas who specializes in therapy for highly sensitive adults, therapy for self-worth, therapy for anxiety, therapy for childhood trauma. Maggie is passionate about helping people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people-pleasing and self-abandonment is possible; you don't have to suffer alone. Maggie offers online therapy throughout the state of Kansas. Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation! |
Other Services Offered by Maggie
In addition to providing online therapy anywhere in Kansas, Maggie is also a professional astrologer, and offers Birth Chart Readings anywhere in the United States, as well as abroad.
Astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!
Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!
RSS Feed
