Sometimes, in grief, there are no words to describe what we have experienced or the depth of the pain that we feel. There are just no words. I often find myself in this place, and it can be really lonely. I want to tell people how much I miss my daughter, how I’d give anything to hold her again, to go back in time to before she got sick. I want to say these things, but often I just can’t. It feels like too much and not enough, all at the same time.
Talking About the Person We Lost
All moms are proud of their children and love to talk about them. That doesn’t change when your child dies. I’m still very proud of Olive. She was such a beautiful, sweet soul, and I still want to share her with people. But now, sharing her comes with emotional risk and there’s lots to consider.
There’s my grief, which is often still, even 8 years into this, so sharp and so painful that I can’t casually talk about her. I can’t. I wish I could, but I just can’t. It’s simply not casual for me, and at this point, I’m realizing it probably never will be.
Then there’s the reaction of other people. In my experience most respond compassionately, which I am grateful for, but never-the-less, it’s a wild card. I can’t control how other people will respond, and sometimes I’m feeling too vulnerable to risk an unsupportive or awkward interaction.
Keeping Their Memory Alive
I’m afraid that if I don’t talk about her enough, people will forget her. Or, most horrifying of all, that people will think I’ve forgotten her, or that I don’t think about her. That possibility makes me shudder.
These fears create an internal sense of urgency that screams, “You need to talk about her! Keep her memory alive!” And then when I can’t, because it’s just not that easy for me, I feel guilty. Like I’m being a bad mother. (Yes, moms still worry about being good parents, even to their deceased children. We never stop being moms to our babies, no matter where they are.)
So, How Do I Cope?
I cope by showing up for myself with compassion. I remind myself that it’s normal to wonder if we are grieving the “right” way, even if we know (intellectually) there is no “right” way to grieve.
I remind myself that it’s normal to feel unsure about how to best honor our person, and to feel guilty or sad when we're unable to live up to our own expectations around this.
I remind myself that the experience of not having adequate words for our grief is particularly common when our loss is tied up with traumatic memories; that traumatic loss makes our grief more complex, and more difficult to explain and share others.
Looking for an online therapist in Kansas
Do you need a safe, supportive place to grieve? My Lawrence, Kansas counseling practice specializes in providing grief and bereavement counseling, along with therapy for highly sensitive adults, therapy for low self-esteem, therapy for anxiety, and therapy for codependency.
Through counseling I help people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people-pleasing and self-abandonment is possible, and I'm here to help. I offer online therapy throughout the state of Kansas.
Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation, I'd love to hear from you!
Other Services Offered by Sacred Circle Holistic Healing
In addition to providing online therapy anywhere in Kansas, I’m also a professional astrologer, and offer Birth Chart Readings anywhere in the United States, as well as abroad.
Astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!
Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!