- Published on
Photo by Marina Nazina on Unsplash
I do not use AI in my practice, or on my website. All content is written by me.
This article is a continuation of a previous article, Why am I a People-Pleaser? I recommend reading Why Am I a People-Pleaser? first in order to understand the origins of compulsive people-pleasing.
In the present article we will be tackling how to heal compulsive people-pleasing.
In the present article we will be tackling how to heal compulsive people-pleasing.
Examine Underlying Beliefs and Behaviors
When working with compulsive people-pleasing (and really any issue you might be facing), one of the first things you can do is get curious about the beliefs and behaviors underlying your patterns. The deeper your awareness of your inner process, the more conscious choice you have in the moment, so getting a clear understanding of what is happening for you in real time is important.
Common Beliefs and Behaviors Shared by People-Pleasers:
Mimicking Connection
As compulsive people-pleasers, we are experts at mimicking connection with others. This means that other people often feel like they have more in common with us than they actually do, and that they are closer to us than they actually are. This can cause a multitude of relational issues, such as…
- Giving others the wrong impression and therefore being pursued by people we don’t have any true interest in knowing.
- Getting into relationships where the bulk of the heavy-lifting is being done by us, and other people expect it to be that way. People come to expect our over-functioning.
- Forming relationships based on inauthenticity and on what we think other people want from us, instead of what is actually authentic. This prevents access to genuine intimacy and connection.
- Loneliness. It is lonely when we are scared to let other people know who we really are.
Conflating Direct Communication with Aggression
It is common for compulsive people-pleasers to conflate direct communication with aggression, and the natural extension of that logic is that being less direct is more kind. This is not only false, but can lead to the opposite intended effect.
We are not doing anyone a kindness when we avoid being direct. When we avoid being direct and clear in our communication we unintentionally put others in a position where they are forced to guess what it is we want. No one likes to be confused about what is expected of them, and it’s not fun to try to read other people’s minds.
Conflating Saying “No” with Being Mean
Saying “no” is not mean, even when the receiving party is angry or disappointed with our answer.
Most people-pleasers need to get more comfortable with other people’s discomfort. It is OK for people to experience difficult or uncomfortable emotions. While we would never want to go out of our way to create pain or discomfort in others, discomfort and painful experiences are an inescapable part of the human experience. It is not healthy, nor realistic, to live our lives attempting to protect and rescue other people from these experiences.
As a people-pleaser you likely need to get better at being the “bad guy.”
Working to bring more awareness to the beliefs that lead you to engage in people-pleasing is one necessary part of changing your behavior. Do you recognize any of these patterns in yourself? What are some beliefs and/or behaviors that you see in yourself that are connected with your tendency to people-please?
Resolve Your Relational Trauma
Photo by Benyamin Ghamgosar on Pexels
Another part of healing from compulsive people-pleasing is understanding the relational trauma that underlies your behavior. While it is possible to engage in people-pleasing and not have significant relational trauma, the vast majority of us who chronically live out these patterns are doing so because we have learned to see relationships as a threat in some way.
Typically this trauma occurs when we are young and in the context of our family. These dynamics can be subtle and can occur in an otherwise stable, loving environment. So, if you don’t immediately see how your family experience relates to your people-pleasing, it might be good to take a second look.
Typically this trauma occurs when we are young and in the context of our family. These dynamics can be subtle and can occur in an otherwise stable, loving environment. So, if you don’t immediately see how your family experience relates to your people-pleasing, it might be good to take a second look.
When we start to understand more fully the impact that our familial norms and the cultural socialization we received has had on us, we can begin to contextualize our behavior in a new way. Again, the more awareness we have, the more conscious choice we have. Click here to read more about people-pleasing as a trauma response.
However, building awareness and an intellectual understanding of what we experienced is only one part of resolving trauma, it is the part that involves the mind. Understanding with our mind is not enough to fully resolve trauma, we have to also do healing work on an emotional and body level.
However, building awareness and an intellectual understanding of what we experienced is only one part of resolving trauma, it is the part that involves the mind. Understanding with our mind is not enough to fully resolve trauma, we have to also do healing work on an emotional and body level.
Practice Compassion for Yourself
The gateway into healing trauma on an emotional level is to start practicing compassion for yourself. A loud inner critic is often an effect of having experienced relational trauma, and many people-pleasers are also perfectionists in other areas of life and tend to be hard on themselves. So, learning to extend compassion to yourself can be a long process that requires intentional effort.
Additional reading on how to practice self-compassion:
Practice Mindful Self-Observation in Social Situations
The practice of mindfulness in social situations is also an important part of healing compulsive people-pleasing. Mindfulness is the act of observing the present moment with curiosity and acceptance. When we are practicing this kind of self-observation we are intentionally withholding judgment for the sake of simply seeing what is.
Through mindful self-observation you can begin to:
Dial Back Your Innate Traits
As I wrote about in Part 1 of this series, many compulsive people-pleasers have high-normal levels of the traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness—which are wonderful characteristics to have! However, if they are excessive they can cause you problems—compulsively wanting to please others being one of them.
Through observing yourself you can begin to notice when you overextend and smooth over conflict too quickly at the expense of your own needs, for instance in the case of being overly agreeable. Or when you are taking responsibility for things that aren’t actually your responsibility, in the case of being overly conscientious.
Through observing yourself you can begin to notice when you overextend and smooth over conflict too quickly at the expense of your own needs, for instance in the case of being overly agreeable. Or when you are taking responsibility for things that aren’t actually your responsibility, in the case of being overly conscientious.
Work Toward Congruence
Congruence is when how we act matches what is actually true for us on the inside. When we are people-pleasing, the way we are acting often has no connection with how we actually feel. Observing your moments of incongruence will eventually lead to more agency and control in the moment, and more opportunity of authenticity in the long run.
Congruence is when how we act matches what is actually true for us on the inside. When we are people-pleasing, the way we are acting often has no connection with how we actually feel. Observing your moments of incongruence will eventually lead to more agency and control in the moment, and more opportunity of authenticity in the long run.
Notice Somatic Activation
Most compulsive people-pleasers experience nervous system activation in social situations, which means that the body is registering a potential threat (in this case, the threat is the presence of another person). For instance, you may notice that your tone of voice is higher pitched than it would be if you were talking to someone you feel totally comfortable with, or that your energy is vibrating up near your head, or above your head outside of your body, instead of feeling grounded, calm, and centered in lower your body. You might notice that all of your attention is directed outward, scanning other people for information about what is expected of you, instead of feeling attuned to how you feel.
Most compulsive people-pleasers experience nervous system activation in social situations, which means that the body is registering a potential threat (in this case, the threat is the presence of another person). For instance, you may notice that your tone of voice is higher pitched than it would be if you were talking to someone you feel totally comfortable with, or that your energy is vibrating up near your head, or above your head outside of your body, instead of feeling grounded, calm, and centered in lower your body. You might notice that all of your attention is directed outward, scanning other people for information about what is expected of you, instead of feeling attuned to how you feel.
Photo by Kutlay Uyar on Pexels
When you notice that your energy is vibrating up high, practice bringing it back down into your body. You can do this through your breath and picturing the energy as a colored cloud. Take deep breaths and breathe the colored cloud down toward your root chakra or the base of your torso. Continue breathing it down until you feel the high vibrational frequency calm down and disperse throughout your body. If you notice the tone of your voice is higher than usual, try to bring that down to your normal tone as well.
Learn to Accurately Categorize Relationships
The last piece I will touch on in this article is the importance of learning to accurately categorize relationships. Accurately categorizing relationships means intentionally reflecting upon the level of intimacy, vulnerability, and safety that is appropriate and available in each individual relationship or interaction that we have. For example, the level of sharing, honesty and intimacy that is going to be appropriate with your best friend whom you trust is going to be different than with the new neighbor you’ve only spoken with a few times.
This skill is important because people-pleasers often believe they need to be equally friendly and open with everyone, and to be more reserved in their sharing of themselves energetically is somehow rude or mean. This is not true. Every interaction and every relationship is slightly different in this regard, and learning to consciously choose how much we want to open ourselves up to someone is an important growth edge for people-pleasers.
The skill of accurately categorizing relationships is a facet of healthy boundary formation.
The last piece I will touch on in this article is the importance of learning to accurately categorize relationships. Accurately categorizing relationships means intentionally reflecting upon the level of intimacy, vulnerability, and safety that is appropriate and available in each individual relationship or interaction that we have. For example, the level of sharing, honesty and intimacy that is going to be appropriate with your best friend whom you trust is going to be different than with the new neighbor you’ve only spoken with a few times.
This skill is important because people-pleasers often believe they need to be equally friendly and open with everyone, and to be more reserved in their sharing of themselves energetically is somehow rude or mean. This is not true. Every interaction and every relationship is slightly different in this regard, and learning to consciously choose how much we want to open ourselves up to someone is an important growth edge for people-pleasers.
The skill of accurately categorizing relationships is a facet of healthy boundary formation.
You can read more about healthy boundaries in these articles:
Putting It All Together
Healing compulsive people-pleasing is a lifelong process, so be gentle and patient with yourself. The roots of this behavior run deep, but with conscious and intentional effort you can learn to disrupt the patterns of self-abandonment in social situations. You can gain self-confidence and feel calm and centered, no matter who you are with and what is going on around you.
Meet the Author
Ready to heal your compulsive people-pleasing?
Maggie is a therapist and coach based out of Lawrence, Kansas who specializes in working with highly sensitive adults, self-worth, compulsive people-pleasing, anxiety, childhood trauma, and narcissistic abuse recovery.
Maggie is passionate about helping people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people-pleasing and self-abandonment is possible; you don't have to suffer alone.
Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation!
Maggie is a therapist and coach based out of Lawrence, Kansas who specializes in working with highly sensitive adults, self-worth, compulsive people-pleasing, anxiety, childhood trauma, and narcissistic abuse recovery.
Maggie is passionate about helping people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people-pleasing and self-abandonment is possible; you don't have to suffer alone.
Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation!