Is being passive during conflict an intelligent thing to do or is it a symptom of emotional issues such as codependency? The short answer is that it can be either depending upon the degree of conscious choice involved in the behavior.

Passivity is defined as “accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance” by Oxford Dictionary.
Passivity during conflict is unhealthy when:

• we chronically fail to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves
• we feel unable to stick up for our needs and beliefs for fear of losing love, affection, or connection
• we feel unable to assert ourselves
• we chronically avoid dealing with the issues/differences that are creating conflict(s) in the first place, in order to preserve the appearance of “peace” in our relationships.

Unhealthy passivity is not something we choose to do because the very thing that makes it unhealthy is the lack of choice. Unhealthy passivity is often a pattern that is learned in childhood (or sometimes in long-term abusive adult relationships) that at one time helped keep us safe.

In childhood this coping mechanism comes about when we receive messages that if we assert our needs we might lose the affection/approval/love of our primary caregivers (or, in more overtly abusive situations, that we might be hurt physically or in some other kind of obvious way). As a child loss of approval and affection feels life threatening, because without the love of our caregivers we might not survive; we were completely dependent upon them.

This can happen in all kinds of families, even those that are fairly healthy and non-abusive, especially when children are empaths or Highly Sensitive. Why is this?

Because the unfortunate reality is that modern life is stressful. Parents are often stressed, over-worked, overly tired and spread entirely too thin. Children need a lot of direction, love, and attention. Parenting requires a lot of patience and mindfulness—both of which are, unfortunately, in short supply when adults are stressed and rushed. So, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how a well-meaning, generally loving parent might use less-than-ideal relational tactics (such as anger and frustration in order to control their child’s more difficult displays of emotion) from time to time.

If this happens rarely, most kids will not be impacted too much by it. But highly sensitive children can be impacted quite deeply, even if most other interactions with parents are positive and safe. This is because highly sensitive children feel things more deeply, are more quick to notice patterns in behavior and more quick to assign meaning to subtle social cues (due to high levels of intelligence and a sensitive nervous system).

My main point being—you didn’t necessarily have to come from an abusive background or have an overall negative relationship with your caregivers in childhood to have issues with self-assertion and boundary setting during conflict.

As I said in the beginning, passivity (and most things) *can* be healthy, if we are making a conscious choice to engage in the behavior. There might be specific situations we find ourselves in where choosing to remain passive during conflict might be highly intelligent and adaptive given the circumstances.

An example of this would be if we were arguing with someone and we came to realize that we could potentially be in danger of abuse (be that physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual). At that point the smartest thing to do may be to disengage by no longer attempting to assert our point of view. We might then appear to become passive. But notice, even in this situation, it is really only an appearance of passivity, because by making a conscious choice to protect ourselves by drawing our energy in we are in actuality setting a boundary of protection.

Someone commented that remaining passive can prevent a conflict from escalating. To that I would say, passivity is not the same thing as calmness. It is perfectly possible to assert our needs and boundaries while simultaneously remaining calm. Passivity is also not the same as asking to take breaks during conflict in order to calm down. That would be the opposite of passivity because we are asserting a need.

In a healthy relationship where both people’s needs and opinions are equally valued, we should not have to remain passive during conflict in order to feel safe. Both people should, ideally, be able to express their individual needs knowing that disagreement and challenging emotions, such as frustration and anger, are par for the course in any long-term relationship. Why? Because we will never agree on everything.

Lastly, passivity might be an appropriate response during a conflict where we genuinely do not have a strong set of needs/opinions/values about the outcome. In that case, being passive makes sense, especially when preserving the relationship is more important that "being right" (which, ideally, it always will be).

In situations where codependency is an issue being passive during conflict occurs at the expense of the person’s individual needs/wants/values/opinions. It is a toxic, largely unconscious, pattern that was likely adaptive and useful at one time but has now become a hinderance to deepening levels of true authenticity and connection in adult relationships.

Learning how to navigate conflict in a healthy and authentic way is a lifelong process, one which starts through becoming aware of our own patterns--both those that work well and those that need to be revised. As I always say, healing starts with awareness. Awareness equals choice!

With Care,

Maggie

The very first step to healing anything is awareness—so believe it or not, just reading these IG posts and having “ah ha” moments about what you resonate with is a HUGE step toward healing inner-child wounds.

Why is self-awareness so huge? Because without awareness of our patterns we are at the mercy of them. We have no conscious choice, we are just acting and reacting, playing out old trauma.

Mindfulness meditation practices are very helpful in deepening our levels of self-awareness. Mindfulness means “awareness of the present moment with acceptance.” So, when we meditate we are essentially training ourselves to become aware of our internal experience (thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations) without reacting to it. We are cultivating intimate knowledge of how our internal world works.

So beginning the PROCESS of becoming aware is the first step. And it is a process… one that deepens over time with conscious effort and practice at being mindful. Don’t expect it to happen over night.

The 2nd step is learning to become the benevolent parent that you never had. As adults it is our responsibility to heal ourselves and to parent ourselves. Once we begin to see what our wounds are, whenever we find ourselves triggered, we can start to VALIDATE our own pain/emotions/experience. Validating ourselves is crucial, because this is what many of us did not receive as children.

Validation can look as simple as this: Noticing we are feeling _______, and telling ourselves “I know you are feeling ____ right now, and that makes perfect sense given what you have been through. I will take care of you.” Or, “I know you are feeling ______ right now. It is ok. I am here with you.” (Yes, you are talking to yourself. Yes, it might feel weird at first—but believe me, it works.)

Replacing negative self-talk and shaming with genuine compassion for ourselves is where much of the healing ultimately takes place because we begin the process of learning to hold space for ourselves. We essentially become the safe, loving attachment figure that we never had.

This is usually a long process and one that can be helped along tremendously by having safe, loving relationships where we can talk about our process with another person… this can be with a therapist/counselor/coach—which is often best because these people have special training. But healthy, loving adult friendships and/or romantic partnerships can also be very helpful.

These wounds occurred in relationship, so typically—at least in part—the healing also needs to happen within the context of relationship.

Healing our inner-child wounds requires learning to REPARENT ourselves. Everything I discussed above is one part of the reparenting process. There are other things to do as well… self-care is huge.

When you think of self-care go back to the basics—are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating regularly and eating foods that help you feel good? Are you moving your body regularly? Getting some fresh air everyday? Making efforts to find time for things that bring you joy? Making time to connect with people who fill you up, as opposed to drain you?

All of these things are important parts of reparenting (just a fancy term for “taking care of”) yourself.

Boundary work is another big part of healing inner child wounds, and again, awareness is the first step. Becoming aware of our own unique boundary system—how we set, or fail to set, personal boundaries in relationships with family, friends, partners, etc. After we begin to become aware, then we can start looking at what is working for us and what is not… what needs to be changed, etc.

Healing our inner child wounds is a multifaceted process that looks a little different for everyone, but these are a few quick ideas to get the wheels spinning.

With Care,

Maggie

Did you know that you can under-express or over-express your Rising Sign (also known as the Ascendant), or actually any part of your birth chart?

It’s a widely held misconception that the Natal Chart is simply a description of our personality. So, according to pop astrology, if someone “is an Aries” (their Sun sign is Aries) then they will automatically present and experience themselves as assertive, enthusiastic, and fiery.

But how many people read the description of their zodiac sign (Sun sign) and don’t feel like it describes them very well at all? Lots.

And this is because the reality is much more complex. And actually, so is astrology. Professional astrology accounts for this complexity, pop astrology doesn’t.

While our birth chart does describe us, no one can predict exactly how we—as the unique individuals we are—will respond to and express that complex mixture of energies and influences.

Both nature and nurture play a role.
​Nature being the qualities we are born with (described by the birth chart), nurture being the environment we grow up in and the experiences that influence our development.

And, then there’s “free will,” of course. No one can live our lives for us. Only we get to decide how we respond to what we are given.

That being said, it’s possible to over-emphasize an under-emphasize parts of our personality. And when this happens we often feel out of balance.

The Rising Sign is the zodiac sign that was coming over the horizon as we emerged from the womb. It was becoming visible, revealing itself, while we were revealing ourselves to the world for the very first time.

And, fittingly, on the personality level the Rising Sign represents our most external layer of Self—what people see/feel/experience when they first meet us.
It is our social personality.

The Ascendant also tells us about how we view and approach life. So, for instance, someone with Scorpio Rising will tend to view life through a psychological lens and may present as quite intense and perhaps a little guarded. Whereas a Sagittarius Rising will meet life with palpable enthusiasm and likely come across as upbeat and extroverted. ((Always keeping in mind that how much these descriptions fit any individual person will be dependent on how these signs interact with the rest of their chart... but you get the idea.))

On the soul level the Rising Sign serves as a description of the ideal personality for us to embody, as well as the types of experiences we are meant to have, in order to learn our spiritual lessons in this lifetime and to carry out our highest purpose.

​So, what happens if we have an over or under-developed Ascendant?
If we over-do it we’ll have a harder time letting others in, and they might find if hard to trust us (because it can feel as if we are hiding something). If we under-do it we will feel socially awkward and vulnerable because we might be throwing around lots of deep parts of ourselves with no ability to set protective boundaries and adhere to social norms.

The key to addressing an imbalance is a thorough understanding of our Rising Sign, as well as how our Rising Sign interacts with the rest of our chart. Is it meant to temper and cool our fiery disposition? Is it meant to ground us?

Armed with this knowledge we can then build more self-awareness and, if necessary, consciously begin to tweak the way we relate to our Rising Sign, to the benefit of our overall functioning and mental health.
​
What is your Rising Sign?
Do you think you might be under or over-expressing it?

For more information about how to work with this aspect of your chart The Ascendant: Your Rising Sign by Jodie Forrest is a great resource.