Understanding Compulsive People-Pleasing, Part 1

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Compulsive People-Pleasing: Mimicking Connection as Self-Defense

If you are someone who is stuck in people-pleasing then you likely understand the unique flavor of loneliness that comes along with compulsively going out of your way to make other people feel comfortable at the expense of yourself.

Compulsive people-pleasing is a prison that prevents us from accessing the possibility of genuine connection. Genuine connection requires that we slow down enough to tune into how we really feel and then consciously respond in a way that is congruent with our inner experience. But when we are stuck in compulsive people-pleasing we have a difficult time accessing our true feelings in the moment. When we are stuck in compulsive people-pleasing, also known as the fawn response, our nervous system has learned to interpret relationships as threatening, therefore, our innate response is to hide out instead of revealing how we truly feel.

Signs That You Are a Compulsive People-Pleaser:

• You find yourself automatically saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” or when you simply need a second to pause and discern how you actually feel.
• Spontaneous self-expression feels scary. Everything that comes out of your mouth is well-curated.
• In the rare instance where you do spontaneously react, you feel anxious and ruminate about what you said and how it might have been perceived. You feel like you “lost control.”
• You feel more comfortable focusing on other people.

• You are more comfortable giving than receiving. 

• You are afraid to take up space.
• You often anticipate the needs of others before they even have to ask.
• You are hypervigilant in social situations—paying attention to body language, facial expressions, and other subtle forms of non-verbal communication.
• You expend a tremendous amount of energy on analyzing how others perceive you. 
• Being liked and accepted is the most important thing.
• You find yourself compulsively smiling, oversharing, filling silences, etc. in an attempt to make those around you feel comfortable.
• Social situations are stressful for you and you feel exhausted afterward. You wish you could just be yourself when you are around other people.
• You ignore your own perspective in order to avoid inconveniencing others. You hate the idea of making anyone uncomfortable or upset.
• You feel disconnected from your own sense of self and identity.
• You are a social chameleon—you automatically read what other people want from you and give them that, even if it’s not authentic.
• You have a difficult time accessing your authentic self when you are in the presence of other people, and maybe even when you are alone.
• You find yourself unconsciously and automatically scanning the environment for clues about how you “should” be.
• You are great at mimicking interpersonal connection, but being truly present, spontaneous, and comfortable in your own skin feels out of reach. Being authentic and vulnerable feels like something you don’t know how to do.

• You feel lonely, like no one really knows you. You also feel scared when you think about letting anyone really know you.
  

What Leads to Compulsive People-Pleasing?

If you are a compulsive people-pleaser you might be asking yourself, “Why? What made me this way?”

There are three elements that commonly underlie compulsive people-pleasing: 1.) relational trauma, 2.) socialization, and 3.) innate characteristics, such as personality traits and nervous system wiring.  Typically it is a combination of “nurture” (relational dynamics and socialization) and “nature” (innate traits) that lead to compulsive people-pleasing.

Relational Trauma Can Lead to Compulsive People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is often a response to relational trauma experienced within our family of origin or in other formative environments in childhood. If in childhood we receive the message that relationships are unsafe or threatening, we are at risk of compulsive people-pleasing in adulthood. 

When people-pleasing is a result of nervous system activation it is called the fawn response. Most of us have heard of the Fight, Flight, Freeze responses to trauma, but there is a fourth option for the nervous system in moments of overwhelm and that is the Fawn response. 

Compulsive People-Pleasing and the Fawn Response

Whenever human beings experience something traumatic (threatening or overwhelming) our nervous system responds automatically in order to give us the best chance of survival. This happens on an unconscious level—in other words, we don’t have control over if our body chooses to fight back in that moment, to flee (flight), to shut down and play dead (freeze), or to fawn (please and appease). When we experience a trauma response it can feel like our reaction is completely out of our conscious control.

This can be likened to when we accidentally touch a hot burner on the stove. What happens? Our hand automatically recoils before our brain even has a chance to register what has happened or what to do in response. It is the same with fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—our nervous system makes the split second decision about how to appropriately respond in the moment. The way this looks with compulsive people-pleasing is that we say “yes” when we really wanted to say “no,” and then we are left puzzled as to why the heck we did that.

When we have past trauma, our nervous system often needs an update because it has begun responding to benign situations as if they are a threat to our survival. When compulsive people-pleasing is a trauma response the nervous system is responding to all interpersonal interactions as if they are a potential threat, even relationships and interactions that are in fact safe. In this way, compulsive people-pleasing is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We often see compulsive people-pleasing in those with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).

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Understanding the link between compulsive people-pleasing and trauma is important so that we do not pathologize behavior that is by and large out of our conscious awareness and control. Much like a soldier returning from a war zone who involuntarily jumps out of his skin when he hears a loud sound because his nervous system has coded a loud bang as a potential threat to his survival, when we have relational trauma our nervous system responds automatically with behaviors to disarm the “threat” (those we are interacting with) by being overly agreeable.

In order to heal compulsive people-pleasing we have to work to rewire and regulate the nervous system. More on that in my follow-up article: Understanding Compulsive People-Pleasing, Part 2.

Compulsive People-Pleasing and C-PTSD

Compulsive people-pleasing is common in those with C-PTSD. Complex PTSD is caused by ongoing, long-term exposure to relational trauma where there was no option to remove one’s self from the damaging situation. Often those with C-PTSD acquired the trauma in the context of their family of origin as a child. When we grow up in a family environment that is emotionally and relationally unhealthy, often our singular option is to please and appease those whom we depend on for care. This is how the fawn response, or compulsive people-pleasing, is born. 

It does not require an overtly abusive home to lead to compulsive people-pleasing. Often relational trauma is subtle and comes in the form of unacknowledged, unresolved intergenerational trauma carried by parents and then passed down unknowingly to their children. Enmeshment and emotional parentification are examples of subtle relational traumas that I see a lot in my practice. It is common for these subtle forms of relational dysfunction to occur in otherwise caring, loving homes.

Socialization Can Lead to Compulsive People-Pleasing

Often those of us who struggle with compulsive people-pleasing behaviors in adulthood had people-pleasing modeled for us as children. We may have received the message that in order to be “good” we must be agreeable to avoid upsetting others. We might have been taught that conflict is to be avoided and that if people disagree something is wrong (versus the idea that conflict is a healthy, unavoidable part of life). We might have been taught to be “polite” at the expense of being honest, direct, and authentic. We might have been taught that being direct, or asking for what we want or need, is rude.

Much of the time when parents socialize their children in this way there is unprocessed, unrecognized intergenerational trauma behind these teachings. Therefore, being socialized to people-please and relational trauma typically go hand in hand.

Innate  Traits Can Lead to Compulsive People-Pleasing

Relational trauma and socialization are not the only factors we need to take into account when exploring the origins of compulsive people-pleasing. We also need to take into account innate personality traits and differences in nervous system wiring.

The Super Traits of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness

Many of us who struggle with compulsive people-pleasing have what are referred to as “super traits” by psychotherapist, author, and founder of the The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education, Sandra L. Brown. "Super traits" are traits that are dominant in the personality and often need to be dialed back because their dominance and over-expression cause problems. Compulsive people-pleasers typically have super traits in both conscientiousness and agreeableness. Being conscientious and socially agreeable are useful pro-social traits—as long as they aren’t taken to extremes.

If we are high in the traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness we have a natural desire to get along with others, we place a high premium on facilitating harmony and compromising in our relationships, we hold ourselves to high standards and strive for integrity, we are aware of how our actions might affect others, and we are attuned to the feelings and experiences of other people. All great things! 

However, it’s not difficult to imagine how these traits, if left unchecked, could lead to compulsive people-pleasing and self-abandonment. A desire to facilitate harmony and compromise suddenly become harmony and compromise at all costs, including sacrificing our own needs. Holding ourselves to high standards and striving for integrity, taken to an extreme, makes us vulnerable to psychological abuse and control because we believe and internalize criticism, even when it’s not true. 

Many of those who possess super traits in agreeableness and conscientiousness are also Highly Sensitive People.

Highly Sensitive People and Compulsive People-Pleasing

I have written numerous articles about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and specifically about the link between high sensitivity and people-pleasing, so please check out those articles for more in-depth information on this topic.

The scientific term for HSP is Sensory Processing Sensitivity. High sensitivity is a form of neurodivergence—it describes a difference in nervous system wiring that scientists have found in 20-30% of the population. Many compulsive people-pleasers have Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which means they have a nervous system that is particularly sensitive to environmental stimuli and interpersonal interactions.

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Because HSPs pick up on subtleties in their environment and then process what they notice more thoroughly than those who are less sensitive, they tend to be more deeply impacted and influenced by their experiences and the environments to which they are exposed (for better, or for worse). So if an HSP is raised in a home with unresolved intergenerational trauma—in the form of enmeshment or parentification, for instance—they have a higher likelihood of entering into adulthood relationally traumatized than those who are less sensitive.

Due to the sensitivity of the nervous system, HSPs quickly pick up on patterns in the environment. This is an advantage from a survival perspective because it allows HSPs to quickly “read” what the “rules of engagement” are in any given situation in order to navigate the situation successfully. However, it also means that the “lessons” learned in any given environment are more deeply internalized, leading to a deeper impact on HSPs—and deeper wounding, if the environment is traumatic.

Another thing that makes HSPs vulnerable to compulsive people-pleasing is the simulating nature of interpersonal conflict. Many HSPs find conflict overwhelming which can lead to a tendency toward conflict avoidance. HSPs also have a heightened mirror neuron system, deepening their emotional resonance with others' experiences, as well as the impact of interpersonal reactions upon  them.

Nature + Nurture: The Perfect Storm

So, as I said above, it is typically the combination of nurture—adverse relational experiences and socialization in childhood—and nature—innate traits and nervous system wiring—that leads to compulsive people-pleasing in adulthood. It is the perfect storm: a nervous system that is naturally predisposed to pleasing and appeasing that meets with experiences which encourage the development of these behaviors. 

The next natural question is: How does one heal compulsive people-pleasing? Stay tuned for part two!

Meet the Author

Ready to heal your compulsive people-pleasing?

Maggie is a therapist and coach based out of Lawrence, Kansas who specializes in working with highly sensitive adults, self-worth, compulsive people-pleasing, anxiety, childhood trauma, and narcissistic abuse recovery.

Maggie is passionate about helping people overcome shame and the fear of being their true selves. Breaking the cycles of people-pleasing and self-abandonment is possible; you don't have to suffer alone.

Reach out today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation!

Other Services Offered by Maggie

In addition to providing online therapy and coaching, Maggie is also a professional astrologer, and offers Birth Chart Readings.

Evolutionary astrology is a powerful tool for gaining self-awareness, finding meaning in and understanding of our difficult experiences, and for receiving validation regarding our own unique life path. All of which supports our mental health in a positive way!

Interested in getting a Natal Chart Reading? Book a free phone consultation and let’s get started!